Where Do You Draw The Line between Ego and Self?

Authenticity. Authenticity.

Also known as showing up fully.

This past month I’ve been living from ego rather than service. I let my authentic self be tarnished by feelings of competitiveness, living at 50% of myself, ignoring my values and not being fully present, real or honest with myself and others about my feelings and thoughts.

Nothing “bad” mind you – just restrictions everywhere I looked around. Life in this state is far from pure, joyous and happy. It can still be good but good isn’t enough for me anymore.

Who else feels they are sick of not expressing themselves fully?
Who else wants to shed their scales & emerge as they are?
Who else would like to live courageously & with integrity?

I for one am DONE with living an unauthentic life. With holding myself back for fear that I’ll be alone if no one wants to walk this path with me. With conforming and trying to look good (although those of you who know me may be giggling at the thought of me being a conformist hehe).

Since the last 2 days a lot has been stirring up for me and I’m taking gulpy, brave steps to bring myself back from the edge of an ego-driven life, back to service, back to self.

Take the coaching competition I was entered in for instance. It all started as fun and games, asking people to vote for me, getting the word out about my blog, loving the traffic to my website, the supportive comments (esp the one from my mom – that rocked, thanks mum!) ·

Somewhere along the way though, I realized some uncoachlike behavior was going on and allowed myself to be upset by the tricks other people were using to get to # 1. Everytime I saw people being voted down I would vote them up. And I’d wonder what I was doing in such a contest. Can you guess what happened next? Yep!

I wanted to play them at their own game. Survival of the best-est. And I didn’t like this feeling. That’s not me.

So yeah, it got to the point where I had to stop and question myself …. Why do I need someone to tell me my blog is the best? Would winning this contest make more people like me or make me special in some way? WHO gets to decide I’m the best (or not)? I’ve never liked competitions and in my LOA world, co-operation is a better feel-good place to be in over competition.

To compete fairly and test skills against another is beautiful, like athletes in their finest form. Because it brings the best out in others, rather than the worst. To bring others down while you go up? Not sooooooo much!

It started to not feel good anymore. And you who read this blog know this about me – I always follow my feel-good! If it’s not fun, I’m not doing it. I slacked in following my intuition. Ohh Bugggerr…

It’s scary and empowering to go out on a limb and saying what you need to, without fear of consequences. It’s easy for monkeys but to be a human hanging on the top of a branch, swinging wildly and suddenly letting go….!?  Bump, rumble and roll. Ouch. That hurt. Pain sucks. Yet, letting go can teach you to look for where the growth and learning is.

To be authentic, I first had to acknowledge what I’ve not been wanting to, face my frailties and imperfections, embrace them, forgive them, love them and finally, share them with others.

So my friends, In all my ego driven glory, here I stand unveiled. And as I ask myself these questions, I ask you too:

Who do you think you are to live half a life?
One that’s not passionate, fulfilling, authentic and happy?
Where do you get off blaming other people?
What are you not taking responsibility for?
What is the learning from this?
What do you really, really want?
The glory or the peace? True happiness or ego-driven accolades?

Feel free to ask me “who are you to get me to stand up and take charge of my own life”!? I am no-one. And I am everyone. You get to choose if you want to or not.

With this in mind, I decided that what felt good and authentic was to remove myself from this contest. My intuition says this is the right thing to do and this is the month I start trusting it. The little voice in my head saying “but you could win this and be more popular” can just go take a hike. Be sure to take a camel along, it’s a long trip where you’re going!

THANK YOU to all of you who voted me to # 1 – I’ve saved all your comments I am still glad I entered this contest for I know even more now that my worth does not depend on what someone says or thinks about me.

It depends on what I believe to be true. It’s reminded me AGAIN that real happiness and peace come from being true to oneself, and true to others. It showed me how many amazing friends and loyal readers I have. It re-enforced the power of synergy (where my friends and I voted for each other as opposed to taking each other down).

It helped me be kind and loving to myself and accept my imperfections. And my desire for you is to do the same for yourself.

I want you to live your best life ever. I want you to unleash your awesomeness on the world, warts and all.